Breaking the Cycle of Bullying

By Mandi Silk

    Perhaps the principal of your child’s school has called to tell you that your daughter has been involved in a fight at recess. Perhaps your son refuses to wear his glasses stating he just can’t stand hearing other students call him “four eyes” anymore. Perhaps your daughter begs you to drive her to school rather than endure the chanting at the bus stop. Maybe your son just doesn’t talk about school in the same animated way he use to and you don’t understand why. These could all be signs that your child is being bullied.

What is Bullying?
    At the Monadnock Center for Violence Prevention (MCVP) we work with thousands of school children each year to stop bullying. MCVP staff understand how important it is to stop bullying early, because the “continuum of violence” that often starts as bullying can progress into sexual harassment and eventually manifest as intimate partner violence in teens and adults. Within the acts of bullying or in any physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, there is a “cycle of violence” that almost always takes place.
    This cycle is largely based on the imbalance of power and the intent to exercise control. Bullying is a form of violence that countless children deal with each day. Bullying can take many forms such as hitting (physical bullying); name-calling (verbal bullying); threatening gestures or social exclusion (emotional bullying); and sending insulting messages by e-mail (cyber bullying). Most often the pattern of bullying occurs repeatedly over time.
    Research by the United States Health Resources and Services Administration finds, “verbal bullying is the most common type of bullying experienced by both boys and girls. Boys are more likely to be physically bullied by their peers; girls are more likely to report being targets of rumor spreading and social exclusion by other girls.” Most bullying, up to two to three times as much, happens at school and on the school bus. Bullying is more likely to occur when large groups of students are supervised by a small number of adults; such as lunchtime or passing from class to class. Any child can be bullied. It is important not to blame or find fault in children who are bullied. Understanding some common characteristics can help. Most, although not all, targets (someone who is teased, bullied, or put-down) tend to be more socially isolated than other children. They may be shy, sensitive, and less self confident and, as a result, have fewer friends to stand by them.

The Importance of Bystanders
    A bystander (the person that sees or hears bullying) that takes positive action to support the target when bullying occurs can make a great deal of difference. It is not the bystander’s job to fix, change, or even address the bully. The bystander can be helpful by walking away with the target or stand up to the bully with the target by addressing that the behavior is wrong and will not be tolerated. This can be difficult for targets and bystanders alike, it takes a great deal of courage to intervene, but through practice, like steps taken during Bully Proof lesson role plays it is possible to develop these skills.

Who are These Bullys?
    It is a common myth that bullies have low self-esteem, in fact most research indicates that youth who bully have average or above average self esteem. Bullies are also not as socially isolated as may have been previously thought. They usually have a small group of friends who encourage their bullying. Children who bully can be impulsive, be easily frustrated, lack empathy for others, and have difficulty following rules.

What Can Parents Do?
    If you fear that your child bullies others, there are steps that you can take. Let your child know that you have no tolerance for bullying and develop consistent consequences for bullying behavior. Give praise to your child when they are following rules and behaving appropriately. Carefully monitor how your child spends their free time and check out who their friends are. Share your concerns with your child’s teacher, school counselor, and/or principal and work with them to send a clear message that their bullying must stop.
    If you fear that your child is a target of bullying, you can also take several steps to support them and assist in stopping the negative impact of bullying. First, focus on your child. Gather information and be supportive. Learn as much as you can about what tactic the bully is using to intimidate and/or harm your child as well as when and where the bullying happened. Through listening and empathizing you can gain your child’s trust that you are taking the issue seriously and that you believe him/her. Even if you do not agree with how your child handled the bully, do not criticize her/him. This will make the child less likely to share their fears in the future. Although no of us want to see our children hurt, never encourage physical retaliation as a solution. One of the biggest “bully traps” that your child can get caught in is responding aggressively; acting like a bully in return.

Laws Against Bullying
    The importance of the topic of bullying continues to emerge as an important, even crucial, topic of public concern. Most state laws require or encourage that school boards and officials develop a policy to prohibit bullying. The states of New Hampshire (RSA 193-F) and Vermont (V.S.A. 16 § 565) have both adopted state laws on bullying. New Hampshire is one of at least six states that require individuals to “report school bullying incidents to authorities.” Most laws have been in effect since 2000-2001, motivated in part by tragic shootings at several U.S. high schools in the late 1990s.
    Through keeping the topic of bullying in the forefront of our minds as adults, we can help do our part to break the cycle of bullying for our children. As the local domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking crisis center for the 44 towns of Cheshire and Southwestern Hillsborough Counties, The Monadnock Center for Violence Prevention, can assist you with concerns that you as a parent, educator, community member, or youth of our area might have about this topic by calling or visiting our offices in Keene, Peterborough or Jaffrey. National anti-bullying resources can be found through The US Health Resources and Services website at www.StopBullyingNow.hrsa.gov.

Mandi Silk is the Education/Outreach Program Coordinator for the Monadnock Center for Violence Prevention and holds an Experienced Educator Certificate from the State of New Hampshire where she was a school counselor for several years. She resides in Keene with her 2 school aged daughters.