Creating Strong Attachments with Adoptive Children

By Erica Hartwell

    One of the first concerns of adoptive parents is whether they will have a strong attachment with their child. They wonder if they can love their child as if it were their own. They wonder if their child will be as attached to them as they would be to a birth parent. More importantly, they wonder if their love is enough to repair any possible damage caused by neglectful or abusive early experiences. The good news is that attachment can happen at any age. Adoptive parents simply need to have the right tools to bond with their child.

Reactive Attachment Disorder
    Even if you are doing all the right things to bond with your child, he or she may still develop Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), a condition found in children who have failed to bond with a caregiver before the age of five. If your child is displaying symptoms of RAD you may want to consider getting additional support for you and your child. Your child may suffer from RAD if, after trying to bond with him, he:

    ∙ Avoids interaction or physical contact with you.
    ∙ Is difficult to comfort when upset, or does not allow you to try to comfort him.
    ∙ Seems to get attached too easily or too quickly to strangers.
    ∙ Resists social interaction with peers and consistently prefers to be alone.
    ∙ Shows excessive amounts of emotion or overly inhibits his emotion.

Parents’ childhood
    Some parents fear that their own childhood may affect the way that they will bond with their children. Fortunately, it is not whether or not you had a difficult childhood that matters, but rather how you make sense of it. So even if you had some negative childhood experiences you can still be a good parent as long as you have explored and processed these experiences.
    Research by child psychiatrist, Daniel Siegel, shows that if parents do not process painful childhood experiences, they risk the well-being and proper adjustment of their children. For further reading on mindful parenting, you can take a look at Siegel’s book, Parenting from the Inside Out.

Bonding with your child
    If you feel that have your own childhood memories to explore or if you are not satisfied with your level of bonding with your child you may want to consider psychotherapy. A trained clinician can help you to make sense of your experiences and how they relate to your child. In addition, a family therapist can help facilitate the bond between you and your child or provide additional parenting skills.
    Parents come up with endless activities to bond with or entertain their child, from trips to the park, to buying the child ice cream, to taking a vacation. All of these can be fun for both parent and child and will certainly create fun childhood memories, but they are not necessary for the bonding experience. The best ways to bond with your child are actually very simple.

    ∙ Eye contact. Make eye contact frequently with your child, whether you are having a conversation or playing a game together.
    ∙ Facial expressions. Match your facial expressions to those of your child. For example, if your child is happy, show that you are happy, too.
    ∙ Tone of voice. Speak in a warm tone of voice to your child. When disciplining, be firm but gentle.
    ∙ Holding. Physical touch is a crucial part of the bonding experience. Touching your child’s hair, rubbing his back, and holding him in your lap will make him feel safe and loved.
    ∙ Reflective talk. Talk to your child about their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and intentions. Not only will this validate your child’s experiences, it helps him to develop compassion and empathy for others.
    ∙ Emotional regulation. Accept your child’s emotions, both positive and negative, and help them learn how to regulate their emotions. This is done best by example. Show your child that it is ok to have feelings and to express them but that they should have control over them.
    ∙ Apologizing. Reach out to your child when you have misunderstood him or caused him pain.

    If you are thinking about or in the process of adopting, keep in mind children can bond with any caring adult at any age and that you, as a parent, can bond with any child provided you have a clear understanding of your own parenting. If you are considering adoption, then it is likely you are willing and eager to open your home and your heart to a child who needs you, and that is one of the most important steps in the bonding experience.

    Erica Hartwell is currently enrolled in her final year in the Marriage and Family Therapy master’s program at Antioch New England Graduate School. She began her internship at MAPS in June of 2008 and is currently seeing individuals, families, and couples. Erica can see clients without insurance for a sliding-scale fee. To contact Erica, please call (603) 355-2244 or visit her at 19 Federal St., Keene, NH.