Postpartum As A Rite of Passage:
A New Father's Emotional Development

By Elizabeth Raposa

The birth of a child often creates intense emotional feelings that take many fathers by surprise. In the postpartum time, fathers move through an emotional process which is similar to a mother’s experience, and yet is very unique.

During the first month you will be busy integrating the birthing experience. This may bring up mixed feelings of excitement, panic, love, joy, relief, and wonderment. As you begin to process this experience, you may discover residual feelings of anxiety about the length of labor, or frustration at your inability to have eased your partner’s pain during birth. Most likely you may feel awe at the process of birth, have intense feelings of love for your child, and may be filled with admiration and compassion for your partner.

Throughout pregnancy, many dads say the baby seems unreal. The birth of your child will confirm his reality. For some fathers this may bring up questions about the ability to parent as you may feel you know very little about babies. Some fathers may feel isolated and alone due to the attention given to mom and baby. Many fathers I work with express the need to be nurtured and cared for, and yet feel reluctant to ask for assistance. Some men feel very confused about their role as a father. Many questions arise, from, “What is my job here?” to, “How do I comfort my baby and/or my partner?”

The most common sentiment expressed by men during this period is helplessness. This contradicts society’s image of ‘man as protector.’ Yet fathers need to voice their feelings and be validated. It’s ok if you don’t have the answers. Try connecting with a new father group and ask questions of other fathers. Learning to hold and communicate with your baby will help you become comfortable as you move into your new role as father.

In the second month postpartum you may begin to see that your baby interacts and responds differently to you than to his mother. However, your baby is learning that while you are different, you are important in his world. Holding and talking to your baby will deepen the attachment between you.

Many fathers will need to return to work two or three weeks after birth. You may be torn between home and work, feeling there is very little time for both. There may be a sense of loss and regret, of not being available for your child and partner. Find some time each day to spend alone with your baby. You might want to do bath duty, take a walk, read, or sing to her. It is important to make dad and baby time happen.

In the third to fourth month, your focus and interest, like mom’s, is on your relationship with your baby. You may be feeling completely absorbed and preoccupied with your child. There may also be a sense of competition with mom for the care and attention of your child. It is normal to feel jealous of your baby and of the mother-baby relationship you see developing. They have settled into a routine, and it may feel as if there is no place for you. Fathers, however, play an enormous role in their infants’ social and cognitive development.

I often suggest to my new fathers that they carry their babies in a sling. Your child will become familiar and comfortable with your energy and rhythm and you in turn will be learning and responding to her needs. You will have begun a very special and unique dance of communication and attachment that follows you throughout fatherhood.

During the third to fourth month postpartum, exhaustion is the most common feeling experienced by fathers. Lack of a continuous night sleep, the demands of work, and adjusting to your new lifestyle may leave you feeling physically and emotionally weary and drained. Just as mom needs some time alone, so will you. Be sure to build quiet time alone into your day, doing whatever makes you feel physically and emotionally good.

In the fifth month, you will begin to sense a real change in your personal identity. Many dads speak about an enhanced sense of self, as for them becoming a father is now an important part of being a man. At this time many fathers may reflect on how they were fathered. This may bring up bittersweet feelings as they remember their childhood experiences and how their own dads may or may not have been available for them. Many of the fathers I work with express a desire to be more emotionally and spiritually involved with their children than their fathers had been with them. Setting aside dad and baby time–playing games of peek-a-boo, taking walks, playing music, reading, creating bathing and bedtime rituals–will help to establish a strong and loving bond with your child. Connecting with other new or experienced fathers will help put your experiences into perspective.

Join me in the next article as we continue exploring paternal emotional development and the changes in your relationship with your partner.

Suggested Reading:
Becoming a Father. William Sears, MD. Shaumberg, IL: La Leche League International, 1998.

Elizabeth Raposa, founder of SELENE, is a birthing and postpartum doula and infant-parent educator. She provides assistance and support to women and their families before, during, and after the birthing process. It is the mission of SELENE to support and nurture parents and families as they travel the path of conscious parenting.

If you are a father, or a grandfather, and are interested in being part of a small research project concerning fathers’ feelings, please contact Elizabeth at (802) 254-6604. Participants are asked to complete a questionnaire and be available for follow-up interviews.