The Toddler Leftover Diet

By Tracy Caffrey

Like many women in America, I am acutely aware of the latest diet trends: the ‘Atkins Diet,’ the ‘South Beach Diet,’ the ‘Dr. Phil Diet.’ These plans require way too much work, counting foods, avoiding foods – ugh, who has got time for that? I want to share with you the plan I’m currently on, which I’ve named the ‘Toddler Leftover Diet.’ I created this plan one evening after realizing that my diet for the day consisted of food discarded by my 2-year-old. After her 8:30pm bedtime, not only was I too tired to make anything for myself, but more importantly, I was not going to clean that kitchen one more time.

The best part of the ‘Toddler Leftover Diet’ is that you eat every twenty-five minutes during a fourteen-hour workday. That’s a lot of eating opportunities. The ‘Toddler Leftover Diet’ is also extremely easy to follow – no carb-counting, no special foods, no weekly meetings– just eat the leftovers. The more challenging part of the diet is that the portions are small, sometimes wet, and usually not what you would normally choose to eat.

As an added bonus, there is unlimited caffeine for the parent on the plan (please read carefully–for the parent—we do not want to give our over-active toddlers any artificial energy). The unlimited caffeine will not only help you through the fourteen-hour workday but also give you the motivation to pick up 673 toys from the floor. Here are some sample meals, but please feel free to create your own:

Breakfast: Breakfast is usually eaten with one hand while forming Playdough balls with the other. Instead of the morning news, you will be watching Caillou and your meal may get interrupted by your toddler saying, “Mommy, I made poop.” This comment will not affect your appetite at all. In fact, if truth be told, you could eat with the poopy diaper beside your plate, like a napkin.

Coffee
1/4 bagel with full-fat organic cream cheese
1/4 bagel with full-fat organic cream cheese licked off
6 grapes cut in half
16 cheerios

Snack:
1/2 box of raisins

Snack:
1/2 of a banana Yobaby yogurt

Lunch: During lunch you will repeat the mantra, “Please don’t run/jump/spin with food in your mouth.” You will also say things like, “That’s a big bite, chew that,” and, “I don’t think feeding yogurt to your dolly was such a good idea. Her tummy is all full now.” And like a high-powered business lunch, your meal will end with a negotiation: “If you take two more bites, we can play/read/paint/go outside…”

1 bottle of Pepsi
1/2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain bread with crust cut off
1/2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain bread with crust cut off, and two bites removed
the crusts of an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich
3/4 of a pickle sliced lengthwise into quarters
4 cherry tomatoes cut into quarters

Snack:
1 small container of applesauce, one spoonful removed

Snack:
34 goldfish crackers – three of them moist

Snack:
The last bite of a mozzarella cheese stick

Dinner: Your dinner will normally be eaten standing up at the kitchen counter. In between bites you will try to clean up the dinner mess, feed the dog, and glance at the newspaper, while periodically hanging up on telemarketers. Continue until toddler becomes irritable, when you move onto the next event, “bath-time.”

Slug of Pepsi straight from the 2-liter in the fridge
3 tablespoons of Bunny pasta, prepared with butter and sprinkled with parmesan cheese
6 string beans and 1 carrot steamed until really, really soft, cut into tiny pieces, and drenched in butter, for the discerning toddler palate
4 cucumber slices with Italian dressing “dip”  

Snack:
1/2 slice yellow American cheese

I know I am not the only one on the Toddler Leftover Diet. I see other moms around town, absent-mindedly popping cheerios from impossibly small Tupperware containers, eating the last french fries of a Kid’s Meal, and finishing halves of bananas you really don’t want to eat, but don’t want to waste. I know you are out there, and I look forward to sharing tips and recipes with you.

Next week: The Toddler Exercise plan: Lose 30 pounds by carrying 30 pounds. 

Tracy Caffrey is a mother and writer living in Keene. She can be reached at thecaffreys@aol.com.